Self-love is a Scam?
In the last decade, many celebrities, self-help books, influencers, etc., have preached about the birthright to self-love. Just be you, be born, and you have earned the right to love yourself and be respected. My question is, why?
WHAT THE HECK IS SELF-LOVE SUPPOSED TO BE
A birthright, a demand?
The media we consume in our teenage years will shape how we create our future. Today, that means putting on a fake smile so big it hurts, coloring our hair into something neon, pressing play on Spotify to Lizzos ‘Juice,’ and recording a short for TikTok of how awesome we are and how much we love ourselves. The terms ‘‘love’’, ‘‘believe in yourself’’, and ‘‘you deserve it’’ have become staples for youth in the forms of mandatory journaling or consuming meditation and gratitude apps like The Air We Breathe.
Even worse, spending hours of our precious time online, listening to different players in a pop culture telling you how awesome you are for being born and just being you. Especially in the era where inclusivity and diversity are fed to us like breakfast. In the United States, drag queen superstar RuPaul has based one of his favorite catchphrases on the concept: “If you can’t love yourself, how can you love somebody else? Can I get an amen up in here?” is duly delivered at the end of each episode of the TV show RuPaul's Drag Race. That’s great! But others, and ultimately yourself, can’t love someone just because they are trans, straight, or gay, or white, black, Latin, or Asian. In the same way, we can’t expect respect and love for being blonde, dark-haired, 5.5 feet tall, or based on our shoe size.
We can’t belong to or place ourselves into a specific social group and demand love and respect. Not when we eat crap, lay on the couch, grunt at our parents, drink our youth away, and scroll 6 hours a day on social media. Then, we stand in front of a mirror and shout daily mantras about how awesome we are. We think that this has to work, but it doesn’t. Not really. Not in the deepest parts of your soul that flutter with excitement and pride when you genuinely feel it.
So, a birthright? I’m thinking…not!
Do you think a reward for achievements?
We respect and look up to people who have achieved extraordinary things. We are jealous of people who look a certain way or act confident. Maybe we want to be the people with fancy cars or attend the best schools. That influencer must love herself? Or that guy who invented an app at 16 and is now partying in Vegas every night? Maybe (even though I doubt it), but what does that matter to you? We shouldn’t compare ourselves to others. We know nothing about them, their inner struggles, or how they feel.
How about…a personal journey to respect yourself?
Respect and self-love can’t be demanded because we were born or have diversity to claim as our medal. They have to be earned—with ourselves.
“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, I can change.” — Carl Rogers.
My point is this: You can’t fake self-love, even if your idols tell you to. Why? Well, what if you don’t deserve it? Not right now, at this moment. What if you have been slacking, have no goals or discipline to work towards them, and have let the way you act or look out of control? What if you have been mean to your parents, bullied your peers, or disrespected others in your community? Would you love someone else like that? Probably not, and others wouldn’t either. So why are you faking it with yourself?
I agree that our longest and most exclusive relationship is with ourselves. Therefore, we should build it, cherish it, and sustain it.
How, you ask?
Make yourself into the person you can sincerely love. Quietly. Without looking for approval from others or demanding respect without a reason. Please do it for yourself.
Use your precious youth to master discipline to build your future. Even if you don’t know what you want to do with your life, understand the concept of routine and hard work so that one day you can apply these skills to the extraordinary achievements you will pursue.
Wake up at a reasonable time. Eat well—exercise (whatever that means for you. Even a walk would be great). Listen, follow, and study the journies of people you admire. Take care and cherish the relationship in your life that will matter in the long run. Manage your time well.
Present yourself well. Stop wearing only oversized gray sweats on every occasion. Please be sure to respect the venues or situations you go to. The more effort you need to put into your appearance, the better these social situations will be for your future. Think… workshops, internships, social meetings with inspiring people, social clubs, sporting events, ballet, museums, libraries, art galleries, think tanks, courses, and classes, or meetups with people with the same interests (D&D anyone?).
Surround yourself with loving, supporting and inspirational people. Let go of toxic, draining, and one-way friendships. Again, teenage friendships rarely last. The goal is to fortify yourself with healthy interactions and people who motivate, support, and inspire you. In return, take care of your own family, friends, and the people in your community.
Set boundaries. It is okay to say no to that party you don’t want to go to if you have practice the next day. It is okay to say no to the third drink if you don’t like it. It is OK not to hang with your friends at the mall all day if you feel inspired to write, create, or work on your things. It is okay to stay home and rest if you need it.
Don’t expect an end goal in an x amount of time. This type of mindset does not end on March 22, 2024. It is a lifestyle. That’s the exciting part.
If you can utilize these steps in your life, the concept of self-love might not even matter. It’s about absolute confidence in yourself, how you take care of your body and mind, build your future, and interact with your family and the people in your community. That’s where that sole flutter feeling lies.
