Self-Confidence & Relationships
Falling in love is an intense emotional experience at any age. But during adolescence, when everything feels bigger, and it’s all happening for the first time, the ups and downs can be even more extreme.
Photo by Cody Black on Unsplash
I’ve chosen to explore the connection between self-confidence and relationships. Why? Because my personal experiences and observations have shown me how crucial this link is. Having witnessed firsthand the impact of relationships on the women in my life, I’ve learned that choosing a partner is one of the most significant decisions a woman can make.
Relationships, whether they work out or not, are rich with experiences and lessons. However, the empowering role of self-confidence in choosing and maintaining healthy relationships cannot be overstated. It's a crucial factor in safeguarding your well-being and building a positive future, and can even mitigate the potential negative impacts of some relationships.
WHAT IS SELF-CONFIDENCE
This is likely the most used term for these related concepts outside of psychological research, but there is still some confusion about what exactly self-confidence is. One of the most cited sources about self-confidence refers to it as simply believing in oneself (Bénabou & Tirole, 2002).
The chances are that if you can operate life in ‘confidence’ mode most of the time (or at least some of the time), you will achieve things, you will experience things, you will feel motivated to take care of yourself, and you will hopefully interact well with others. Research supports this notion. The success of individuals with high self-esteem lies in these six attributes:
A greater sense of self-worth
Greater enjoyment in life and activities
Freedom from self-doubt
Freedom from fear and anxiety, freedom from social anxiety, and less stress
More energy and motivation to act
More enjoyable time interacting with other people at social gatherings. When you are relaxed and confident, others will feel at ease.
And less risk to end up in controlling or abusive relationships.
How does self-confidence matter in relationships?
“How you love yourself is how you teach others to love you.” — Rupi Kaur
Low self-esteem can make it hard to believe love and value exist in your relationship. This can lead to problems that interfere with a healthy and supportive relationship. Unfortunately, if self-esteem is not addressed as a root cause of violence, it is much more likely to perpetuate it again and again. Low self-esteem can lead to a constant feeling of not being good enough or rejection.
This can manifest in so many different levels, from a cheating boyfriend to an abusive relationship, all the way to becoming a victim of traffickers or predators. Why? Because unhealthy relationships often have a power play woven into them. Someone is forcing their wants and beliefs over another. Usually over the person with low self-esteem. Many abuse victims suffer from low self-esteem, whether from the abuse itself or prior issues.
An average of 24 people per minute are victims of rape, physical violence, or stalking by an intimate partner in the United States — more than 12 million women and men over a single year.
I don’t mean to scare you, but I specialize in teen and young adult safety. One of the biggest risks is falling for the ‘wrong’ guy and letting that relationship control your present and determine your future.
Recognizing the warning signs and having the self-confidence to remove yourself from that situation before it is too late.
I am not advocating not dating or looking for your person. On the contrary, I am a big fan of love and dating. However, especially in your youth, it is important to build your self-worth first and then go out and explore because you have the mental shield against all the ‘bad.’
HOW TO BUILD SELF-CONFIDENCE
How to boost inner confidence
BODY LANGUAGE
Harvard psychologist Amy Cuddy and others have studied the positive effects of confident body postures on our hormones. Look for the sensations of confidence and practice feeling them more in your body. Feel your feet on the ground, keep your body relaxed and open. Think regal.
REFRAME YOUR EMOTIONS
Feeling anxious or jittery? Reframe these feelings into excitement and a hunger for new adventures and opportunities. The only thing you will regret is not taking action. Even if it turns out to be wrong, we will learn and build the confidence to try again.
VISUALIZE
From the outside, we often think, “Wow, everybody else is happier, more beautiful, creative, successful, active, etc., than me. I’m just not good enough to be like them.” But you have nothing to do with others; we will never truly know how others feel. The only thing you can control is your own life. Visualize the person YOU would like to be and then work towards it.
POSITIVE LANGUAGE
Speak to yourself with self-compassion, kindness, and encouragement. After all, your most important relationship is with yourself- make it a good one! Negative inner talk has been proven to hinder your productive actions and reaching your goals. “You can’t hate yourself into change. Love yourself into greatness.” —Emma Lovewell
EXERCISE REGULARLY
Exercise has a powerful effect on confidence. Regular exercise releases endorphins, which in turn interact with the opiate receptors in the brain. This produces a pleasurable state of mind, and, in turn, you’ll view yourself in a more positive light. When you exercise regularly, you will get better physically and feel more motivated to act in ways that build your self-confidence.
DATING & RELATIONSHIPS
Knowing how to establish and maintain healthy romantic relationships can help adolescents develop into well-functioning adults with healthy adult relationships. Healthy dating during the teenage years can be an important way to develop social skills, learn about other people, and grow emotionally. These relationships can also support adolescents’ ability to develop positive relationships in other areas, including in school, with employers, and with partners during adulthood.
As a society, we measure our self-worth by our degrees, grades, performance, and the circle of people we hang out with. While all of that can positively impact our lives, at the end of the day, most of us are looking for ‘that’ feeling of excitement and joy only a romantic relationship can give us. And that’s ok. Humans are not meant to be solitary all the time. I would encourage you to go out there and have those butterflies in your stomach and experience what different people have to offer, as long as you have your self-confidence as a mental shield against controlling partners, who can turn into an abusive relationship. Ever since I first saw the movie Titanic, I knew I would not settle for anything other than my own ‘big love’, and while I went through some hardships and difficult relationships on my own, I finally met him. I now know what a healthy, loving, amazing, and lasting love feels like. And honestly, there is nothing like it.
CONCLUSION:
“We’re all about progress, not perfection.” —Selena Samuela
The bottom line is that a healthy sense of self-confidence is not something we achieve once and then have for the rest of our lives. It is a lifestyle that we live. No matter how confident they are, there will be a moment when they will need to draw from a deep well of self-esteem, resilience, and problem-solving to navigate a complex and challenging world successfully. The difference is that once you know the importance of self-confidence and strive to get it, nurture it, and improve it, you have already set yourself apart from so many others. And it will make you safe and free to go out there and explore different relationships and the beauty and challenges of love.
